For over a month now, Olivia has been sitting on Collin's old little potty before nap and bedtime, not because I make her, but because she thinks it's a fun, big girl thing to do. Sometimes she goes, and sometimes she doesn't. But lately, like over the past week or so, she's going at least once a day, and today it was three times! One of the times I was cooking dinner, and she actually walked over to me, said "pee-pee pah," and led me to the bathroom downstairs where she proceeded to pee after I removed her DRY diaper. I even made the comment, half jokingly, that Olivia is going to be potty trained before Collin. There is no way she is ready to do this for real, is there? I mean, we waited until two-and-a-half to do the "official potty training" with Collin, and here we are almost a year later, and he's still having multiple accidents a day (including the #2 - yuck!) without batting an eye.
This is sooo frustrating because there was good two-month period from August to October that he was wearing underwear and able to go a full day or two without an accident, and if he did have one, it was just one. Then it went downhill from there. I can't pinpoint a specific event that contributed to the change either. By the time he turned three in mid-November, we had pretty much given up and decided to go the laissez faire approach, totally backing off the kid and letting him navigate the whole process by himself. We didn't even mention potty, toilet, bathroom, etc. He went from using the toilet eight times a day to six to four to only two or one. After a few weeks of more and more accidents, we went back to pull-ups full time because I just couldn't do all the laundry anymore, and it wasn't fair to his school teachers to have to deal with his accidents either. This went on for months, and by mid-February, enough was enough. Time to be serious again and make this a priority. It's not like my son is just barely two; he's three and some change. Most kids his age are in preschool and staying dry all the time, even some at night.
So, it was back to underwear, only this time, if he had an accident, he would have to take care of it (unless it was #2...that can get messy fast with a three-year-old running the show). No sitting on any furniture or toys until the underwear was put in the laundry and changed into a dry pair. No playing "x" or watching "y" or eating "z" until he was clean and dry. I didn't yell at him or make him feel bad; I just stated the facts and encouraged him to do better next time. I thought for sure this would motivate Collin to just get to the bathroom because how could he possibly NOT mind changing his own peed pants and underwear? The answer is he doesn't. We've done this for two weeks now, and he is still peeing his pants...except for right before nap, right before bed, right after bed, and when he wakes up in the morning, the times of day when his brain is settling down and/or he needs an excuse to postpone bed or get out of bed. Hmmm...
As a high school English teacher, I have had many students, mostly boys, who were just like Collin. No, they weren't having accidents in their pants, thank God, but the way they approached their education was similar. These kids were the ones who aced every test and quiz but earn Ds and Fs on their report cards because they didn't do any homework, participate in class, or put forth much effort into the work they did in school. Though I wasn't surprised, they were always shocked when they got their report card. "But Mrs. Jennings! This is not fair! I obviously know the information you are teaching because I get A's on all the tests. Why should I do the work if I already know the material?"
On the surface, the student has a valid point, especially in the era of No Child Left Behind, which relies on uniform, standardized tests to determine whether or not a kid has learned enough material to advance to the next level. But it's not that simple, is it? Because life is not just about passing tests; it's about applying oneself. You have to show, not just tell, that you know how to use the information you've been taught. Take driving for example. You can pass all the written tests at the DMV, but if the instructor determines you can't drive a car safely on the road test, then you don't get your license. You can train and train and train for a championship game or race, but if you can't perform when it counts, you don't win.
There is a difference between training and learning. Collin is potty trained -- he can identify all the parts of the equation, he knows the steps and will recite them, he is able to do all the physical tasks required, including undressing and dressing himself and standing up to go pee -- but he is not potty learned. He has not learned to resist the urge to keep playing and use the bathroom, even though he knows this is more efficient in the long run. He has not learned to tell a grown-up when he has to go, even though he knows he should. He has not learned that being wet and dirty and smelly is undesirable. Back to the teacher-student comparison, I remember parents making comments like, "But I thought you taught Johnny the difference between 'affect' and 'effect' and how to write an introductory paragraph." I did. He was taught/trained, but that doesn't mean he learned. See the difference? Teaching is extrinsic; learning is intrinsic.
And this is where his sister might have an easier time with potty learning rather than simply training, despite her two-year age deficit. She does care if she's dirty. She does let me know when she needs to be changed (or most recently, when she wants to use her potty). These are two aspects of the whole potty process that have never clicked for Collin. And until they do, he is going to continue to ace the tests but fail the class. As frustrating as it is, it's not my problem anymore. I just have to keep encouraging him to find that inner motivation to put this whole thing to bed once and for all before his baby sister shows him up. Maybe that will do it for him, who knows? He does thrive on competition already.
